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Watching it snow, the cold makes my breath fog the window. I suppose heavy sighs dont help that. I feel at a loss this evening, somehow complete yet a huge hole in my heart. I watched Esteban work over a kleenex box and Voldy try to be king of that castle. It didnt work quite like he planned, but it was amazingly cute. Nakeds have a way of working right into your heart, the ugly yet so incredibly cute applies in all directions with them. I enjoy watching all the boys play. I swear Im on a Dollar Store hunt this week for more blankies and toys. The boys seem bored and maybe listless.

My deep melancholy is the direct result of watching the beloved Fozzie suffer from CHF. He is just a young rat and yet he has all of these issues. I watch and there is little to do but offer him comfort and cuddles. Poor baby, its not fair.

You learn what loss feels like with rats, how it curls in and out of your belly. How the loss leaves holes in the heart, the way it makes you feel breathless. I cant hardly cry, but I mourn so deeply still. I find myself looking at pictures of those gone on and wait for tears, nothing.

The numb, like the cold that is settling onto us tonight, will be here for a long while. I welcome it, because at the very least it leaves an impression, something to feel.

The holidays are fast approaching. Seems liketime is always speeding by and I am struggling to stay on top of everything.

Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday for me simply because it allows time for reflection and a moment to really think about what Im thankful for. I have been blessed by wonderful family, loving and supportive friends, along with a batch of great furkids that love me for all I do.

I am always thankful for what was and how events have changed my life for the better and sometimes for worse. I think that hard times make us stronger, more fluid people. We arent able to become rigid and set in our ways, it gives us perspective and a sense of well being to know that we have all we do.

Things are tight all over right now, for most everyone. I believe that things will get better,we just have to hold on as a community and reach out to help those that need us. I have sent small donations to animal shelters and food banks alike. Its not alot but I know that little bits from everywhere ultimately add up to bigger and better.

I think that everyone should stop for a moment and take stock of their lives, right now, in this moment. Its so important to live and love in the here and now. Quite often we find ourselves always looking ahead, not looking at today.

Later I will make it a point to list what I am feeling very grateful for, something to go along with the few things I noted a paragraph or two up.

Right now I need to clean the cage and get some playtime going =D

So the boys got a new playpen, compliments of Scott and I suppose it could be called an early Happy Birthday to me. They seemed put out and leary of it all yeaterday afternoon, my oldies wandering in a daze LOL

Im just killing time so I can go to the fabric store to get fleece, its always the fleece, always gotta have more. Naked in the cage means more snuggle blankets than usual.

I thought about my Fergus this morning and how much I still miss him, his quiet wisdom. He was a mamas boy and I miss that bond we had. I supose this time of year makes me melancholy in alot of ways.

Its hard to lose these guys and their lives zoom by in top speed. I am just lucky enough to get a few kisses and happy bruxes from conteneded passengers on that bullet train.

I thought just a touch
Something small, only for me
That quiet nod, the knowing look
Stranded on this island
I am alone, but never far from the crowd
Its bright and yet I cannot see for the darkness
Quiet consumes, the screams leave me deafened
Sometimes, just now and again I wish for little more
Peace of mind, a moment of nothing
Understanding and letting go
Leaves me empty, leaves me bitter, leaves me somehow whole
Understanding and always letting go
Leaves me one heartbeat shy of cardiac arrest
Understanding and the heart not ever letting go
Thats what leaves me complete

Fall, a time of harvest, of reaping what we have sown all summer long. Dallying in sunlight and making hay as they once used to say. I find myself lost in quiet contemplation, of things gone on and those left behind. I watch the leaves change, then slowly drift to the ground. Fall is a season of gratitude and yet its full of death as well. The green of summer leaves behind the blaze of autum, announcing that winter will soon be on its heels.

The boys are warm in flannels, they have hammies galore in wonderful colors. Nanny in Texas made warm fleece sets for them to cuddle into. No drafts to bother this group of spoiled boys.

Soon there will pumpkin pies baking, it was a favorite with my boys for a very long time. The babies will get a taste for the first time, bet they love it.