Watching it snow, the cold makes my breath fog the window. I suppose heavy sighs dont help that. I feel at a loss this evening, somehow complete yet a huge hole in my heart. I watched Esteban work over a kleenex box and Voldy try to be king of that castle. It didnt work quite like he planned, but it was amazingly cute. Nakeds have a way of working right into your heart, the ugly yet so incredibly cute applies in all directions with them. I enjoy watching all the boys play. I swear Im on a Dollar Store hunt this week for more blankies and toys. The boys seem bored and maybe listless.

My deep melancholy is the direct result of watching the beloved Fozzie suffer from CHF. He is just a young rat and yet he has all of these issues. I watch and there is little to do but offer him comfort and cuddles. Poor baby, its not fair.

You learn what loss feels like with rats, how it curls in and out of your belly. How the loss leaves holes in the heart, the way it makes you feel breathless. I cant hardly cry, but I mourn so deeply still. I find myself looking at pictures of those gone on and wait for tears, nothing.

The numb, like the cold that is settling onto us tonight, will be here for a long while. I welcome it, because at the very least it leaves an impression, something to feel.