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Its been a long couple of weeks with many tears. I got the boys cremains back on Monday and I have been in a funk since then. Its so difficult to be happy when there has been so much loss and such wonderful little rats gone on to the bridge. I have cried at night, quiet in my bed, felt sorry for myself over the loss of my friends.

The babies are trying to settle into the big boys cage. I am having some difficulties with a couple of the older boys, nothing that wont calm in time. No blood, no foul and everyone seems well adjusted. I suppose for them its been a difficult ride as well, they lost family and their alpha. They struggle to find a quiet, a way of life that works again for all of them.

Time does wonders for the mind, but the heart seems to lay in heaps for a while after. I take comfort knowing the boys are finally at rest. They are free from bodies that failed them. Its a relief to know that they can do what they want and be rats like they are meant to be. The bridge is a wonderful place. Its just to bad so many of us left behind feel that loss so keenly for so long afterwards.

My beloved gentle giant, my boy who smiled constantly…my heart is broken. The rain tells me that the angels cry with me that they to understand you have gone on and my grief is so powerful, so overwhelming ..where are my words?

Such a wonderful boy, so happy and loving. I am stricken, three gone within weeks of one another.

The cage will be lighter, the happiness stripped yet again.

The anguish is almost more than I can bear…I have cried until my eyes were red and puffy. I rocked my gentle giant as he lay sleeping forever. He is at the bridge, being welcomed by his uncles and both brothers. I am left here alone in my agony.

His family wanders, seeming to look for him. They don’t understand and frankly neither do I. I don’t want to let go and yet I am being forced to do just that over and over.

My drama king baby grown to a giant of the sweetest nature. My blue ribbon winner, the surprise.

Sleep well beloved.

usquequaque in nostrum pectus pectoris , lascivio ferreus , dico lemma EGO diligo lemma quod EGO diligo vos pro infinitio

Always,
mommy

Human nature. Hmmmmmmm. What makes us do the things we do? Treat those lesser so poorly? Those things, those creatures that depend on us for their very existance. What would we do if they rose against us? Had one moment to much and decided that was all they were going to take…..

I was going someplace with this and then I decided why bother? It’s more my struggle to understand my fellow man, to maybe see something better in the ugly.

The boys had a grand time this morning out and about. Practice golf balls filled with cookie bits were very popular. Hilarious to watch the old men try in vain to get a taste of the sweets. They carried them around, hid them, squabbled over this and that. Only a week or so to go and the babies get to meet the big fellas!!!! Thats going to bring such life and zest to the cage. I do love to watch older men greet the youngsters. The smaller versions of gorgeous men looking for places among giants.

Honestly? Cleaning a baby cage every two days is a chore, one I don’t relish ick ick ick ick LOL

So the weekend starts for me today. I am so glad to be rid of the grind for even a few days. The boys and I will have more time this weekend. I can finally do what needs to be done and not always feel so rushed. I anxiously await packages in the mail, of course I am once again ordering new hammocks and cubes. I spend more time concerned with the boys and their comforts than I do my own. They are lazy hammie hogs that enjoy the fleece and flannels so carefully chosen for them.

The new kids are rapidly getting to the right weight for cage intros. Our Puff already weighs 322 grams (as of last Friday that is). Another 9-10 days to go and then we can start intros. I don’t look for it to be an issue, I have friendly boys who have always readily accepted newbies into their fold. They will be welcomes by curious sniffs, the roll over and the powergrooming and then it’s back to the business at hand..sleeping or having a snack.

Have a happy 4th everyone..careful with the firecrackers.

Is it worth it? Will I keep on despite the punch to the gut when its all over? I look at the faces, they are a sea of wonderment, each one as different as a fingerprint. They bring such amusement, such copious amounts of love and joy. Yes, I will keep at this, because in that pain there was much love. That pain is a reminder of that love and how much my life is better for having been touched by it. I could take the easy way out and just stop being owned by rats, or do what I am naturally inclined to do..get right back into the fire. That burn in the end is so worth the time before. I get licks and nail grooming, cuddles and whispers chattered into my ears. I get the questioning looks and the always grateful faces of little furry friends who are happy for a snack and a hello. Head sleeping, those yawns, the bruxes and boggles..yeah worth every second of what comes after they have gone on.

Vroo nears the end of his life and with each breath he takes, I am grateful and happy. Each moment he stays on with me I am humbled by the tenacity and will to go on even when it hurts. He puts so much effort into just the everyday, to give up is beyond him, not really the nature of a rat. So many of them pass from this life still struggling to hold on, to give that love.

I have lost a big part of my life with the Fraggles, I will lose yet another with Vroobert, but I am happy. They remind me that I am part of something bigger, something better. I have mattered and to them I was everything. That is inspiring and that makes me want to be better, to keep moving forward…because in the end, that’s what they do and will always do, even after they have gone from this life to the next.

Somewhere, someplace they are with me and they are always reminding me that its worth it, that pain will always be worth the happy that came before it.