I am quiet inside now, some part of me wailing in complete and utter silence. The brothers have gone on and in that I must find a way to carry on with the daily activities of owning rats. We have new babies here, yet I feel bragging about them at this point is like pouring salt into an open wound. They are precious little tykes, sweet and happy, just starting down a road that will go who knows where. Its odd in so many ways to feel this much grief, the burden of it leaves me breathless and wanting to swim to the surface.

When Fergus was put to sleep I thought my heart was broken and nothing could feel that badly, oh how wrong of an assumption that was. Wembles going on has left an already gaping wound even wider and its so painful that I can hardly bear it. Something ended here, the end of one era and leaving the horizon open to something else. Im just not so sure I was ready yet, would of ever been ready to face something different. I dont do change well, I like things the way they are. Not exactly the best state of mind for owning rats. They burn bright and live hard. They manage to do what it takes most dogs and cats the better part of a decade to do in just a year or two. If you are lucky you see three and beyond, but thats more often the excpetion, not the rule.

My quiet is simply a nice way of admitting to a depression. I knew my Fraggles would someday leave me, I just had hoped for something longer. I look at the others and feel the grief wash off of them in waves. My poor babies suffer equally in their own ways and it hurts that I cant help them more. My Vroo seems a bit lost without his uncles, he looks for them both still. I cry as I watch him search hammies and tubes. Such devotion and love…people call them pests…so sad and so VERY wrong.

I look forward to sunny days again, when it doesnt feel so raw and over exposed. I look forward to intros with the babies in a few weeks. To see my beloved crew happy and playing again. They have suffered much and deserve a little brightness. For now we will cuddle and I will give them and me some time to adjust to life different than it was before. Time to learn how to be quiet and not unhappy.